How to be a successful protégé? Make the most of your coaching

Over the last 3 years we have trained and coached 1000s of women at mid to senior levels. 

Here are our insights on what successful protégés do to make the most of the coaching relationship and opportunity.

1. Have Clear Career Aspirations: Protégés who know what they want from their careers, let their aspirations drive the coaching relationship and actions. If they start the coaching relationship without clear career aspirations, they are quick to define aspirations and path for themselves. They are clear about what to focus on. What to do, achieve, and showcase to get that bigger / enhanced role. They take charge of the coaching process, understanding that the onus of the success of the relationship rests with them. 

2. Put Career Front and Center: Successful protégés prioritise the time and effort needed for self development, learning, actions, and meetings. They view this as an investment. Many have honed their skills of pushing back and saying "no", because they have had to say it more than once to ensure they can attend sessions or  complete committed actions. Coaching sessions are not seen as one more thing to add to a packed day but something that is critical enough to clear calendars, objections, obstacles. Many have shared that the more of this they do, the more time they have.

3. Perfect Project Management:  Protégés who make the most progress, growing faster than planned, complete actions. These women apply strict project management principles and practices to define outcomes and  actions needed to reach those outcomes. They not only complete actions but also report out progress - good, bad, and ugly. When they get stuck, they look for other options, ask for resources, move non-critical activities. And they are regular.

4. Aren't Deterred by Failures: Failures did cause some protégés tear up and cry. Sometimes it was sadness, sometimes it was frustration. But each time they got back on the horse, so to say, and found a path with fewer hurdles and barricades. They realise that to get what they want, they need to try another approach. One even told me that she was so much more determined that she was like an earth mover that pushed the sh** aside.

5. Create Own Path: These protégés did not expect me, as their coach, to tell them what to do (as many protégés often do). They weigh the responses to the open ended questions, that they ask. Of course, they want to know what worked for me and I had to be careful, as what works for me does not and may not work for them. I have learned so much from them - their questions, reactions, decisions, and decision making process.

6. Use Technology to your Advantage: By this I don't mean use Skype or Google Hangouts for coaching conversations. Protégés used WhatApp, voicemails, emails, social media, blogs, etc  to talk about their personal growth, challenges, struggles, ask questions, seek information, find options and alternatives. They learned how to build & leverage relationships from remote locations.

7. Ask for Help: Protégés did not shy away from seeking help. They recognised when they need it and they actively sought it. Not just from their coach but from their network. A protégé once called me 3 hours before a critical and tough customer meeting (one that had all the signs of being a bloodbath) because she was feeling under confident and unsure of reaching the outcome she wanted. She needed a boost. Asked for it. She got one. And came back with more than just commitments to revitalise the project.

8. Pull as You Climb: I was most impressed by the protégés who started to actively coach others and incorporate their learning from these coaching / mentoring engagements into their own career and self development. I was amazed by how well they thought thru' whom to coach, how to help their protégés define and set the pace, set up their protégés for success. They were sponges that soaked up experiences, incidents, stories, skills and brought them out when needed.

9. Practice Reflective Thinking: Without being told about reflective thinking, I found that protégés who did the best were the ones who were able to take a step back, remove themselves from the situation / challenge to look at and understand the context, need, drivers, implications. They focused on the bigger picture and where they fit in it. They let the bigger picture drive what they wanted to do / could do / had to do.

10. Show Gratitude: The best protégés did not take coaching for granted. They showed that they understood the value of the investment in time, money, effort that the organization and coaches put in. And they put an even higher value on all the effort they have to put in to grow their careers. They realise that they have to do all the heavy lifting to grow - do more, do things better, achieve more. They are grateful in action not words.

--- These insights are based on training & coaching 1000s of women by Diversity Dialogs
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9 things to do, to get the role you want

I am tired of hearing that women are still being told, "dress for the role you want, and you will get it." They are being taught that Executive Presence means being able to make impactful presentations (read as "ppt skills") and wearing executive-like clothes i.e. skirt or pant suits.

How naive do they think women are? How long will women be evaluated based on how they look and what they wear?

Here's my advice to get promoted or get an expanded role. These apply to men and women, but am addressing women more, thru this post.

1. Define and articulate your career aspirations. A 3plus Survey I recently read showed that 83% of men vs 16% of women have clear articulated career plans. If you don't know where you want to go and how you want to get there, you will stay stationary, or just "grow with the flow", as I call it. Works perfectly well in a growing economy / industry and at lower management levels. It is a disaster after that.

2. Superb performance is a basic requirement. It is rare that you will get promoted when your performance places you at the bottom of the heap. So, if you want a promotion or an expanded role or even a role change to something that's not a conventional move, you are going to have to perform well & be acknowledged for it. Don't forget, superb performance also includes doing something out of the ordinary, something impactful. Beating your goals is not enough. You gotta go beyond. Read about Nadia Comaneci's record breaking perfect 10 in the 1976 Olympics, for inspiration.

3. Ask for the change. Stop hinting. Stop assuming that there is someone with a crystal ball and wand. That they will miraculously divine your career ambitions and give it to you. Ask for the role you want and state what you are willing to do to shine in the role (keeping it all in line with your articulated career aspirations). Keeping quiet makes you forgettable. And being forgotten never got anyone the role they wanted.

4. Do the next level job, don't wait to be promoted. Waiting to be promoted to show your leadership ability, influence and action only enables someone else to get that role you coveted. Work at the next level. Do some portions of the next level job you want. Do it well. Make it a no-brainer for your supervisor / the promotion panel to formally give you the role you want. Do the job first, the promotion will follow soon.

5. Have more than one successor in place. Because organizations want & need the abundance of choice when it comes to good talent. Successors showcase you as a leader who develops other leaders. Not just a leader who creates another leader. Each-on-make-one does not help build organization and leadership capacity.
Having successors in place pushes you to look for a bigger job for yourself. It also ensures that the organisation looks for roles for you. After all, you are a superb performer, have clearly articulated your career aspirations, are working at the next level, and you build leaders as you grow.

6. Delegate. Delegate. Delegate. You have super powers, but doing everything should not be one of them. You can not do everything. More important you should not do everything. You need to know what is happening, not do it yourself, even if doing the work yourself would just be so much faster, better, stronger, higher. You don't want to be a bottleneck limiting your teams ability to get more done. Teach and delegate. Have your control and recovery mechanisms in place. If you manage this well, you will suddenly find you have more time. More time to plan your career move.

7. You are smart. That may mean you need to communicate more. Many smart people tend not to communicate enough. It is almost as if they believe that if they can understand themselves, so can others. As leaders we need to be able to communicate with a wide variety of people. People who have different interests, intent and drivers. A single style, your own style, will only ensure that people, often the doers, won't understand what they need to action.

8. Ensure you get the right feedback. Not generic feedback. Not criticism. Real feedback. And what is real feedback? Feedback that is specific & actionable. When you get feedback ensure you ask or categorise it into 3 areas:

What should you start doing and why?

What should you stop doing?

What should you continue doing?

9. Don't wait till you are 100% ready before taking the job. If I am 100% ready for a job when I take it on, chances are, that I will be bored with it in a few short weeks or months. My advice? Take on a job when you don't know how you are going to achieve what needs to be done. It's the thrill of the chase, of learning, of achieving what you didn't know was possible, that should excite and motivate. Waiting till you have all the experience listed in a job description, will give others the change to take what you want while you are scampering around the edges. 

Mother's Day 2018: Fight the Motherhood Wall & Mommy Penalty

As we all celebrate Mother's Day, let's take a few minutes to understand what it can mean to be a working mother. Many mothers want to pursue careers and raise their children. They should not have to face discrimination or be penalized for wanting to do both and do them well. 

In reality the Maternal Wall and Mommy Penalty are unfairly pushing women out of the workforce. 

Biases, Stereotypes, and Myths

Women face many biases, stereotypes, and myths around motherhood. Some of the most common ones are:

• "Mothers put in less effort at work than fathers and non-parents". Not true. Most mothers I know, work harder because they know that any small infraction, that would earlier have been overlooked, will now be attributed to their pregnancy or motherhood

• "Mothers can not be dedicated employees". This belief stems from the myth that a mother can not focus 100% on her job when she needs to focus 100% on her role as a mother. Yet this belief does not seem to hold water when asking if men can focus on the job while being fathers, or can employees of any gender focus on their jobs when looking after an ailing partner or family member. 

• "Working mothers are not “nurturing” mothers". A clear bias based on thousands of years of women being seen as the "child bearers and nurturers". Mothers are as much nurtures as fathers are. And working does not take away from anyone's ability to nurture. Research has found that children of working mothers are more independent, flexible and creative. So, why penalize the working mom?  

• Related to this is the myth that "Mothers can’t be tough task masters". Underlying this belief is the belief that all mothers are more nurturers than anything else. It's like women have a "nurturer" switch that gets flipped "on" permanently, as soon as a woman gets pregnant.

• "I can't manage work if a woman takes 6 months maternity leave. Lets not hire her". The six-month maternity leave law has created issues. In the minds of many operating managers, men and women, this is six months of productivity lost with no help, support, or guidelines on contracting part time staff, or maintaining bench strength. So why hire someone who may proceed on leave.

The Mommy Penalty

The impact of these biases, stereotypes and myths lead to what is called the Mommy Penalty.

• Mothers are 79% less likely to be hired; 50% less likely to be promoted
• Fathers get ~6% pay hike while mothers get ~4% reduction in pay

Add to this the fact that mothers are often resented for special treatment by non-mothers (men and women). Maternity leave may be seen and talked about as vacation. Flexible work options like work-from-home are discouraged it is taken to mean work-for-home. If flexible options are accessible by only mothers, it creates a divide between moms and non-moms. In the same way, companies that have creche facilities only for their women employees alienate the fathers, and mothers bear the brunt of this alienation.

The Motherhood Wall and Mommy Penalty often drives women to leave work.

What can you do?

1. Just reading this blog post and recognizing that you may have a bias is a great first step. 
2. Next time when you see a bias at play, raise your voice. Whether are home or at work.
3. If your company has restrictive policies, advocate for change with the policy makers and not just HR.
4. Read research on how motherhood positively impacts women's ability to work and perform better. Quote data.

At 24, Sarita Lives Life On Her Terms

Met a woman today who blew my mind. As is my wont, I chat with cab and auto-rickshaw drivers, servers in restaurants, household help, vegetable and fruit wallahs, et al. It gives me a more holistic view of people and their lives. And it teaches me heaps.

Today, I met and chatted with Sarita Dixit who drives a Meru cab. I was frustrated with not being able to find a single OLA or Uber to get me to a important meeting, so I called Meru. I expected a male driver to call me (talk about stereotyping!) and I was lucky to get Sarita. As she drove me to Gurgaon, in unbelievably heavy traffic, we chatted. I asked decidedly invasive personal questions and she answered me with great honesty and dignity.  Here is her story (almost in her own words, converted from Hindi as best as I can).

Sarita was married at the age of 16. A school girl who knew nothing of life, having really not lived life to have enjoyed it. She was married for 4 years to a man who beat her at will. She accepted that being beaten was something that just happened. If a woman hit anyone, she was called shameless. But when a man hit a woman there was no shame, so it was OK.

In 2012, when she was 20, her husband died in an accident. Her in-laws threw her out of the house, saying that they had no use for her or her 4 month old child. She went to live with her parents, and learned to drive. At first she did private contract driving for JNU professors and then for some NGOs.  Then in 2014, she was a part of the first batch of women trained to be drivers by Meru. 

She tells me that she works hard. She is at the end of a 24 hour shift (worrying, no?) She wants to earn enough to support her parents, and ensure her son has a good education. Hard work does not bother her at all. 

I decide to take Sarita for coffee and a sandwich at Barista (I've had to cancel my meeting in Gurgaon due to traffic jams, and she hasn't eaten for hours). We continue to chat.

We chat about her safety as a woman driver specially in early morning and late night trips. She says she is prepared. She has learned self defense, and has a panic button in her car. She works for Meru as Meru has verified passengers. Also that the police are very supportive of women cab drivers. 

The biggest detractors to her career has been relatives & neighbors and male commercial drivers. Relatives and neighbors tut-tut at her wearing trousers and working outside the house and at all odd hours. They want her to get married again. She does not want to be dependent on a man. Male commercial drivers resent a woman taking their job. Her take - its not their job. They are not as good at it as she is - so - it is her job. Let them beat her if they can!

What does she need? Sarita wants more public restrooms (she is recovering from a kidney infection caused by holding her urine for hours). She wants help to understand and utilize government schemes for the poor. 

She leaves me her number and asks me to call her if ever I need a cab.

And she blows my mind away!

Ladies, Stop Looking Only For Women Mentors, Coaches, and Role Models

March 2013: Women of the Border Security Force
Lead the Beating Retreat Ceremony at the Wagah Border

Time and again we hear:

1. Why are there limited women role models?
2. How do we find more women mentors and coaches?

As a woman who has worked ~30 years in male dominated industries, companies, and teams, I have rarely sought out a female mentor or coach. My role models have been successful people. People. Not just women. People who have skills, value systems and behaviors that I admire, and want to learn from.

This could possibly be because 30 or 20 or even 10 years ago there were even fewer women in senior roles in the companies I worked for or networked with than there are today. So I am even more surprised that in this day and age, where there are so many more women in the workforce, women are still looking for gender specific mentors, coaches and role models.

Why are women seeking other women to be their mentors & coaches?

Gel Pen Coloring by Mercy Valson

1.  I believe women-only programs, tho' well intentioned, have built a belief that only women can and will help other women grow personally and professionally. The question to ask is whether you believe that as a woman you can grow without the men who can form upto 95% of the workforce in many companies and industries.

2.  Women tend to think that only other women can understand them. Not true. This is like saying that only a parent can understand another parent. Any rational adult can understand and empathise with another adult.  Gender is not the determining criteria.

3.  A successful woman can tell another woman how to get there. First, no one can tell you how to achieve what you want. They can help you find the way by asking you the right questions. You have to do the analysis and introspection, define your goals and time frame, acquire the skills needed, etc. All this has nothing to do with gender.

4.  A woman can aspire to be only as good as another woman.  Really??? If that was true, we would never have had a woman astronaut or Prime Minister or pilot or a hundred other careers that were male-only bastions. Women who are passionate about what they do and want to achieve their dreams, don't care about whether there are other women in that space, they just go out and create space for themselves.

Why looking for women mentors only may slow your growth?

Photo: www.womenmeanbusiness.com

1. Often there are too few women in management to be able to mentor women across all levels in an organization. A mentoring relationship is a long term relationship and needs investment of time and energy. It is also a two way relationship. If you are a woman looking for mentoring from a senior woman leader, then remember she can't mentor 10 - 20 people. At best she can effectively mentor 2-4 people at a time. Are you one of the 2 people who she can and should mentor?

2. If you are working in a male dominated industry, would it not be better to have a male coach or mentor? Someone who can help you navigate the system, a system that he is familiar with, whose language and nuances he has worked with and through? Wouldn't it be great to have a male advocate in a male dominated company? I have found many male colleagues who are great developers, nurturers, supporters, and promoters of woman. We need to identify and reach out to them.

3. A role model is a role model. They are achievers. They have value systems and behaviours that are admirable. They have lived real lives and have real stories to share. Finding the right role model to emulate is far more important than the gender of the role model. Looking for gender first limits your choices of role models and hence your growth.

4. Looking for only a woman mentor or coach may just be re-enforcing your subconscious belief that your gender is more important and dominant (or restrictive) that your knowledge, skills, behaviours and attitude. Question why you are looking for a woman as a mentor or coach or role model. If it is because you feel comfortable talking with women, it may be time to break out of your comfort zone. If breaking out of your comfort zone is difficult, then actively find a woman mentor or coach to help you - there are many good women out there.

There are times when a women mentor or a women only forum is just what you need. A place to voice your aspirations, challenges, and struggles with other women. A zone where there is the comfort of privacy or people just get it without too many explanations. Just as you need this space, so do other women. Find these forums and actively work in them, mentoring other women. Sometimes paying-it-forward is the best way to find the right mentor for yourself.

So, don't wait for your company to start a women's network, or a mentoring / coaching program.  I believe women would benefit from spending some time, ideally facilitated by a professional, charting their goals, understanding their competencies and what they need to develop to grow, finding the best mentor or coach, learning how to approach them, and committing to working with mentors and coaches.

Just as all professionals invest in acquiring qualifications & certifications

I am asking women to invest in personal coaching or mentoring
Within and outside their organizations
By a coach or mentor, whatever their gender

7 Key Components Of A Successful Gender Diversity Program

Are gender diversity programs in corporate India only about the ratio of female to male employees? Or about assertiveness training and power dressing? Are these programs delivering only flexi work policies and childcare crèches in offices?  While these are all key issues that need to be addressed by gender diversity programs, there has to be more. Much more!  

I believe that an integrated program to encourage and celebrate diversity needs to be inclusive. The program needs to address how women think of their careers. It needs to bring to fore unconscious biases that exist in the way we think and behave whether we are men or women.  It needs to help us appreciate and leverage the gender differences in our world-space (not just the workplace). 

Here is my list of Must Have's in any Gender Diversity Program

Courtesy SHEROES

It's Gotta Start from the Top. Organizations can spend as much money as they want on Diversity Programs, but if they don't OWN it, at leadership levels, then it means nothing. If employees in the organization don't see women in top leadership roles, women who are respected across industries and countries as professionals, women who have got those roles because of their calibre vs. their gender, then any diversity program will be seen as hollow. Also, women in leadership roles will ask the right questions and challenge the program to be better. 

Have Sponsors / Champions with an Emotional Connect. Sponsers / Champions don't have to be women.  They have to be individuals who have a strong connect and deep understanding of women's issues. If you can't find someone like that, then look for people who have struggled with and overcome discrimination or have strong authentic stories of overcoming odds. 

Courtesy www.48days.com

Believe Gender Diversity is good for Business. Gender Diversity Programs are NOT an HR initiative. If gender diversity is critical for business, then should not the program be managed by a business manager just as marketing programs are? Gender diversity programs, tho' mostly managed by HR, are successful if they can articulate the impact of diversity on key business metrics.  For a gender diversity program to be effective it must have diversity measures (that go beyond ratios) for managers. And these measures must directly impact managers' compensation, career growth, and opportunities.

Courtesy SHEROES

Rebel Against Stereotypes. A real diversity program is NOT about women wearing pink on Women's Day! Women (and men) are multi-faceted - they want careers, play games, listen to music, eat at nice places, smoke cigars, drink wine, love adventure sports, like road trips, play guitars, read books, etc. See how best you can add value to all those facets. I find it frustrating that on the occasion of International Women's Day, companies continue to target women as if their only interest is in spas and salons, shoes and bags, clothes and jewellery, or how to look slimmer and younger (for thier husbands, boyfriends, or in preparation of marriage!) 

Formal Coaching /Mentoring Program. Coaching / mentoring as a part of gender diversity programs need to be formalised. Both the coach and the protégé need to understand what is expected of them and by them. These programs must include members of the dominant group (men) as coaches and mentors. Coaching and mentoring helps women articulate and craft careers that best suit them. It helps them navigate corporate lanes to move onto the fast track.

Courtesy www.womenmeanbusiness.com

Women Have To Believe That Careers Are For The Long Term. In India, often women (and their families) see careers as something that women do before marriage, or at worst, till they have a baby. I have often heard women say "I am lucky. My husband / in-laws allow me to work." This tells me two things - that the women themselves see a career as a SOP or that their career is of lesser value than other things. Diversity programs need to help women recognise why they want careers and how they can commit to careers as if it were a marriage - be in it till death do us part. They may even need to involve family members actively. 

Must be Inclusive! And above all, any successful Gender Diversity Program must be inclusive. Accept that most workplaces are dominated by men, and that they are as involved and invested in enabling and empowering women to grow, as women are. Men have to be an integral part of any Gender Diversity Program - in training, in mentoring and coaching, in ensuring that policies start moving from being not just women friendly but employee friendly. For example, inviting and encouraging men to attend women's networking sessions helps women network with the people who can be their sponsors.